Of Being Alice
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Sometimes a third person is required to settle down everything. WK fic.
1. Of Settling Down a Couple of Things

1. Of Settling Down a Couple of Things

At a high speed, the metal seemed to melt into a ball of platinum as the original design of the ring disappeared under some trick of the eye. If she concentrated enough on the item, it made her feel dizzy and on a lucky day she even forgot about everything. It was yet too rare, though.

The jewel was spinning around against the wooden coffee table _ thrown into what looked like an interminable dance of some sort _ when a couple of fingers put a sudden end to it, stopping the wedding ring that came to crash in a furtive sound under the skin.

She frowned, opened her mouth to snap back some sharp comment but got wrapped up by an unexpected exhaustion and remained quiet instead.

She lacked sleep and had lost the last ounce of energy a few minutes before when she had poured herself a mug of green tea. Now even her breathing was hard, painful. Her heart was pounding loud, making her sick. If only she could have drowned into her very own tears...

"I was firstly heading for an Italian but then remembered your love for sushi."

As if to accompany his words, Will took out of a bag he was holding a whole collection of California rolls and maki.

"I am not hungry."

"I don't care. You have to eat."

Because she didn't have the strength to fight back his arguments anymore, she grabbed a sushi but barely got it close to her mouth, making it twirl around between her fingers instead. Food disgusted her, bringing waves of nausea to her empty stomach.

The wind blew hard _ suddenly _ and carried in the air the mail she had abandoned on a table by the open window. A dozen of envelopes ended up on the floor, vanishing into the general mess she had learned to live through. She saw it as a sort of bitter metaphor of the past events.

"Damn!"

Sushi in hand she rushed to the scattered mail and proceeded to pick it up. It made him laugh and she hated it. There was nothing funny. Her existence was miserable and at times _ when alone in the dark of the night _ she wished she could have stopped breathing, just like that; naturally.

She was about to put it all on the same table near by the window when her attention got caught by a handwriting she had always known but hadn't seen in a very long while. She stopped halfway, swallowed hard.

"Is everything alright?"

"I don't know."

If his voice had sounded blank, hers hadn't owned the required strength to reassure him at all.

"I... I don't know why she..."

"What is it, Karen?"

With shaking hands she literally tore apart the envelope that she had been ignoring for so long and grabbed the letter nervously. When had she received it? Will had rushed to her side, reminding her that one day she would have to learn how to cope without him being there every single second.

_When I am ready. He told me that we would wait until I feel ready. And I am not, not at all._

Her handwriting had never changed through the years. Even maturity hadn't got any hold over it and the curves were still the same childish, girlie ones she had read over and over in the shadows of their old maple tree while looking for an escape to the unbearable Southern summer heat.

"Whose is it from? You look... Troubled."

"It is from my sister."

Her eyes were now running through the words, absorbing them feverishly to look for the fatal ending that had always accompanied the few letters she had received.

The death of a grandparent.

The expression of a resentment.

The decision to take some distance.

The messages had always been short, brief and incisive. This one was long, calm and bright enough. If the handwriting hadn't changed then the tone her sister had used had nothing to do with the venom of the past.

"And what does she say?"

Her hazel eyes found her friend's brown ones. It had been a long time since she had looked at him properly and observed the features of his face.

He had never seemed so tired.

It was her fault and she knew it.

"She leaves for Switzerland at the end of the week."

Relief immediately lit up his gaze but the lack of sleep still won over and she wondered how she could have been so selfish to miss it out until now.

"So everything is okay. Nice..."

"She wants me to welcome Alice here, in the meantime while she is abroad."

"Who is it? Her dog, or something?"

He had already turned on his heels and headed back to the coffee table where the sushi were waiting to be eaten, closing thus implicitly the pointless moment of utter panic that had gone through them at the finding of the letter, when she let a laugh escape; dryly.

"No, it isn't a pet or a plant. It isn't a "it" as a matter of fact."

"Then who is Alice?"

"She is my niece. Alice is my thirteen-year-old niece. And according to the letter, she arrives tomorrow morning."

**To-Do List**

**1. Moving out without Stanley: done**

**2. Signing the divorce papers from Stanley: done**

**3. Coping with the second part of both sentences above, "without Stanley": not even close to it right now**


	2. Of the Art of Welcoming

2. Of the Art of Welcoming

The nicotine had lost any effect on her for a few weeks now. It might have corresponded with the moment her insomnia had set off, stealing her dreams away with a quiet but nonetheless effective strength.

The smoke didn't remain in her lungs long enough. She wished it would have made her suffocate, cry; any kind of reaction. Instead her heart kept on beating blankly, led by a survival instinct she couldn't understand.

The night before she had grabbed a pair of scissors and let it brush her skin, just to see. The blood had slid along her arm _ slowly _ but she hadn't felt the slightest thing. So she had gone to bed with the eventuality she might have been dying, finally.

"What are you going to tell her?"

"I have absolutely no idea. I barely know her."

Playing with the tip of her cigarette, Karen shrugged and looked down at her feet. If for most of people her divorce hadn't changed her behavior, in front of Will she dared to let the mask fall down and assume her pain, her insecurities. What could she say? They had grown closer during the whole procedure.

The fact he had decided to defend her had opened new perspectives in her mind. Perhaps at the wrong moment but still, for once she had felt cared about and she had loved it.

"Is she going to school? I mean they aren't on a break right now."

"Apparently my dear sister found her one of those so-called private schools that accept students at any moment of the year; exactly the kind of establishments I used to attend myself. It looks like my mother's sense of education worked a lot more on my sister than it did on me."

The ringing of the bell closed up their conversation, a bit abruptly though. Karen stood up, straightened her jacket then headed to the door in a long, quiet sigh.

She hadn't asked Will to come that morning. Actually she was sure that her silent despair was so loud that he had felt obliged to be there, one more time, by her side.

He had seen her cry. From then on she had known that it would be hard if not impossible to ever lie to him, at any point and as much as she didn't like this realization, it was still a relieving sentiment somehow.

"I can't stay! I can't stay! I can't stay! I can't stay! Here is the list of some important things like the address of the school and all. Oh, she is allergic to peanuts and hates avocados. I should be back on March, 14th. Bye!"

In a whirl of excitement Karen's sister blew a fake kiss in the air then disappeared as quickly as she had come up, obviously way more focused on her trip to Europe than on anything else; leaving a scent of cinnamon behind, just like the other times.

Perhaps that was all she was, in the end: the invisible perfume of some French brand.

"Good morning."

…

Whenever Will left, a sensation of emptiness began to weigh on her heart. The pressure on her chest was tough and all of a sudden she felt like she missed the right cards to ever fulfill her life.

One day at a time.

The divorce had been hard for her, a lot more than what she would have imagined.

_There is no point to think about this now._

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and clenched her fists. It had to go away from her mind, to leave her alone if only for a few minutes.

A bit reluctantly she headed to the first floor then stopped on an open door frame. Her eyes wandered on her niece's figure who had finished to unpack and was now observing the street from the window with some sort of melancholy.

Karen finally cleared her voice, smiling forcefully.

"I am sorry for all the sheets covering the furniture and this horrible constant dust. I don't even mention the persistent smell of fresh paint... The house is going under works. I had no choice though and had to move in immediately. Besides I wasn't really expecting any guest."

"Nobody ever really expects me. It is okay, I am used to it."

"This is not what I mean."

"I know. I... I am sorry."

They had met twice in thirteen years and yet barely talked to each other. Karen swallowed hard, realizing that the last time she had seen her niece had been for her wedding with Stanley.

The pain began to boil in her lower stomach then suddenly rushed through her veins, going straight to her head. She had to call Will. The urge to hear his voice was stronger than all the rest. Feeling the panic slowly invade her mind, she looked up at Alice and gasped, swallowed hard.

"Would you excuse me for a minute... There is orange juice in the fridge downstairs if you are thirsty."

She rushed up to the second floor and locked the bathroom door behind her, breathing loudly.

_You can't call him every five seconds. It isn't fair, for anyone._

With shaking hands she took her cell phone out of the pocket of her jacket and dialed his number. It rang.

"This is Will Truman's answering machine. I am not available for the moment but please leave a message and I will call you back later."

She shut down her cell phone before having a chance to speak, slid down along the door until she made contact with the hardwood floor. Burying her face in her knees to stifle her sobs, she nonetheless let the tears run down, uncontrollably.

**To Do list**

**1. Stop crying: working on it**

**2. Start living: working on it**

**3. Find a reason for the two points mentioned above: impossible**


	3. Of Dreading Things

3. Of Dreading Things

The tea was hot against her lips but revealed itself tasteless as it made contact with her tongue. Disappointed, she discarded the mug over her desk and looked blankly at a few sketches abandoned on her right. The lines were harsh and the colors too dark. It didn't match at all the large windows through which the sun probably pierced every day or so.

"Maybe we should go for a pale shade, like... Sand."

Grace dropped out the pen she had been holding until then and looked up at her friend intensely. She seemed stressed, on the defensive.

"And why would we do that? Can you tell me, please?"

The words were there, burning her lips. If only she had the courage to recognize a couple of things and stop dreading them as she was doing.

"Because... I don't want to live in the dark."

"At last!"

Hands in the air, Grace pretended to thank the sky. Her overreaction was intentional, sweet enough for anyone who had gone through the past few weeks with them. The atmosphere had been so heavy that the mere chance to lighten it if only a little couldn't be missed. They all needed it.

Karen smiled, accepting her friend's joking tone.

"Come home this evening and we will discuss it. You might need to see the rooms again if we change the whole plan."

"Actually I had this whole light shade in mind since the very beginning but I accept your invitation because I am dying to see Alice. What does she look like? Jack remained extremely vague when I asked him and Will simply shrugged, saying she was rather timid."

"I didn't prevent you from coming yesterday."

"Leo wasn't working... His job keeps him so busy that the mere day off turns into some sort of little miracle in itself. And Lord knows when he goes abroad again."

Karen remained silence for a few seconds, observing her friend intently until her eyes stopped on the wedding band at her finger. For years she had been the one advancing such arguments except that she had only made up excuses.

Because nobody had ever been waiting for her at home and if Stanley had actually been busy at work then he hadn't showed the slightest interest toward their marriage.

But it seemed to work for Grace and somehow, she didn't find it fair.

"She looks like her father."

Her voice had softly resounded in the office, carrying along a note of obvious regret.

"Is he the man your sister is currently with?"

"No, Alice's father is a total prick. But she still looks like him... Dark hair, graceful features. He was a photographer."

"What happened to him?"

"He disappeared... Left one day for the grocery store and never came back. I know, it is a classic."

Obviously Grace hadn't expected such story and it took her a while to realize that her cell phone was ringing. She took the call. It was Will.

They always had lunch together on Monday.

Will and Grace...

Even their names seemed made for each other through this odd chemistry nobody could really explain and it hurt, it hurt so much when you realized that you would never be able to have access to their little sphere.

Grace put an end to the call.

"So does Alice know about her father?"

Karen shrugged, yet trying to deal with the fact Will hadn't asked to speak to her or tried to know if she was doing fine.

_You can't be mad at him for that._

"What I know? Kind of, yeah, I suppose."

…

If until then she had dreaded to open the door of her brownstone, it was because she would face the loneliness of an empty home. Things had changed, somehow. Now she dreaded the mere face-to-face with her niece. They barely talked, barely looked at each other. It had only been two days and yet time seemed to have got suspended upon their shoulders in a very bad way.

"How did it go?"

Alice shrugged and twisted her hands, obviously as uncomfortable as Karen on the couch of the living-room.

"Alright, I guess."

"What is your favorite subject at school?"

"History, and you?"

"I hated school."

The door flew open, revealing Jack, Will and Grace.

A weight vanished from Karen's chest as she saw her friends. She stood up immediately, glad to put an end to the tensed conversation she was trying to have with her niece. At least when they weren't alone, the whole situation seemed easier.

Taking advantage of Grace and Jack's thousand questions to Alice, Karen headed to the back of the room in the kitchen area. She was glad laughter could finally fill the rooms, and gave life to the old house. It seemed that it was the only moment when the sun dared to pierce through the windows and warm up the place.

By then she almost felt fine.

A hand slid on her waist _ resting on her lower back _ as she grabbed a bottle of white wine.

She missed human touch.

"How are you doing?"

How could someone get so addicted to a voice as she was?

Her hazel eyes found Will's brown ones and she shrugged before casting a glance at their friends on the other side of the room.

"I don't know."

"And with Alice?"

"Bad, as expected."

**To Do List**

**1. Stop panicking whenever I am with Alice: working on it**

**2. Stop asking so much to Will: working on it**

**3. Deal with everyone from Alice to Stanley, passing by Will: mere fantasy**


	4. Of Being with Him, with Her

4. Of Being with Him, with Her

"Is anybody here?"

"I am coming!"

When the door had got slammed, her heart had suddenly sped up its pace releasing a wave of adrenalin throughout her body.

Wednesday nights.

She expected them more than anything. Actually they were the only positive point that her divorce had settled down if she had to think about it. Over the weeks, it had become a sort of reference, the sign that she might have been cared about at the end; no mattered the infidelities, the lies, the consequences.

Wednesday nights were her special time with Will.

"Chinese or Italian?"

Leaned against the banister of the stairs, she looked at him turn around as her question resounded loud in the living-room.

She hadn't made any particular effort on her outfit. In other circumstances she might have changed and chose some dress instead of a satin dressing gown but she didn't feel like spending time on artifices. What for, anyway? It was only Will.

"Italian."

With a gesture of the head he motioned the coffee table where a few bags had been abandoned next to a stack of fashion magazines. She raised en eyebrow and made a step towards him, arms crossed on her chest.

"You brought a comedy?"

In a dramatic gesture, he made appear from behind his back a DVD then showed it at her. She grabbed it.

"Roman Holiday? Hmm, it is a classic."

"And I know that you love them."

"Indeed."

She was touched, and delighted. It was wrong but she couldn't help it. Whenever Will showed interest in her, something warmed up inside her body. She wouldn't have been able to say what but it always made her feel like smiling.

"I told Alice about the movie thing on Wednesday night though I guess she prefers to stay in her room, probably chatting with her friends on the Web."

"But she still has dinner with us, right?"

"Oh yes, it is just the perspective of watching a black and white movie with two people who are a lot older than twenty that doesn't work for her."

"But it is an Oscar-winning!"

"In black and white, though."

Karen put the DVD on the coffee table, took the Italian take-away instead and headed to the kitchen to put the cannelloni in the oven while Will opened a bottle of red wine, poured some in two glasses.

…

Alice liked Will.

It was obvious and stirred up a quiet sentiment of pride deep inside Karen's heart; probably going up her cheeks in a red veil. She took a sip of her red wine, looking sagely at Will conversing with the teenager. Their interaction was fluid, natural.

If only she could have enjoyed the same whenever she happened to be alone with Alice...

"Would you like to come over to my place tomorrow night? We could have dinner with Jack."

As his brown eyes stopped on her hazel ones, Karen swallowed hard and needed long seconds before being able to reply. She had got lost in her daydreams and hated that.

"Yes, sure. Why not..."

"Actually I can't. I was planning to go out with a few friends."

The candor in Alice's eyes didn't match her words at all _ or at least not for Karen _ and the sweet charms of the evening suddenly vanished in a whirl of incomprehension.

"Excuse me? This is New York City, you are thirteen years old. You won't go anywhere by yourself at night."

The harshness of her tone surprised both of her interlocutors but as she cast a glance at Will, Karen noticed that he seemed glad; a bit lost, though. Alice looked blank, too angry to even reply. After a long moment of intense silence, the teenager finally said something with a cold, almost scaring determination.

"I am allowed to go out whenever I want, wherever I want. My parents decided so and as far as I know, you aren't my mother."

"But your parents are abroad and in the meantime, I am the one who takes decision for them. I tell you that you won't go out tomorrow. This isn't safe at all."

"Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you but I don't trust most of the guys who go out at night. You have no idea what this city can look like by then. Or what can happen to you..."

Her voice had considerably softened in the last words as if she had got carried away by a few memories, regretful ones. The sudden change of tone only stirred up perplexity in Alice who, angrily, stood up and rushed to her room.

Karen let her go, then sighed: looking at Will.

"I am sorry... I have ruined the evening, haven't I?"

She took a sip of her wine but the taste had changed. It was bitter, now. She made a face and cast a glance at her niece's plate. She hadn't finished her cannelloni.

"It is okay. I mean, you did right."

"Oh please, I sounded like an eighty-year-old grandmother."

"You surely were rather vehement but it was comprehensible and I am sure Alice knows it. Now... It was the first time I saw you so... Determined and strict. Even with Olivia you weren't like this."

"I can't afford anything to happen to her. She is... I can't. That's all."

Karen swallowed back some words that her instinct had thrown against her lips a bit too quickly and tried to calm down her heartbeats.

"She isn't mad at you."

"I don't mind if she is. She just has to understand that if she wants to survive in this world, she has to accept some limits."

"And you are right. Now how about I get the plates back to the kitchen and we start our very special movie night?"

A wave of warmth spread in her lower stomach and she let it rush through her veins as the words got repeated in her head.

_Our very special..._

It sounded perfect.

_Too perfect._

They turned the main lights off, settled down on the couch and got lost into Audrey Hepburn's face as her graceful features appeared on the screen of the television.

Then, like for all the other movie nights, she impatiently waited for his hand to brush her lower back before leaning her head upon his shoulder and letting go of all the rest.

**To Do list**

**1. Speak to Alice: working on it**

**2. Take some distance with a couple of things: working on it**

**3. Stop suffocating when thinking about Stanley, Will or Alice: far from being accomplished**


	5. Of all these Things that Happen by Night

5. Of all these Things that Happen by Night

"You like him, don't you?"

The point she had been fixing for long minutes suddenly disappeared, taken away by the unexpected boldness of the question. She swallowed hard as an irrepressible heat ran up her cheeks then she intended a very nonchalant shrug that didn't get the effect she had hoped for in the first place.

"What are you talking about?"

"You perfectly know what I mean."

Sometimes she wondered where some teenagers could find such strong self-confidence. They didn't seem afraid of the world, even less of themselves and they dared to stare at you with a cruel easiness she had never owned, even less at their age.

She had struggled by then, and as the years had gone by, had carried the weight of the logical sequels.

Her fingertips brushed the table and swept away the rest of a sugar lump. If they hadn't been at a diner, she would have ordered a Martini, the first one in a very long while. For some reason she felt like drinking that night.

"He is only a friend, a close one maybe but you don't necessarily sleep with all the men you get along with."

"But you are still attracted to him. Don't tell me the contrary, it is obvious. The way you look at him, how you are always together..."

"He is gay."

Karen immediately regretted her last comment. It was certainly not the right time or the right place to say this, and she wasn't even the one who should have said so if she had had to be honest. Though it didn't seem to bother Alice that much.

Perhaps she had guessed.

"And so what, anything can happen in life."

_You have no idea how right you can be..._

The door flew open and Will stepped in. Snow drops had slid along his coat, making it glimmer like a thousand diamonds. Absurdly enough, Karen nonetheless restrained a smile and simply waved at him; Alice's amused gaze following her slightest movement.

After the fiasco of the teenager's attempt to go out with a friend by night and once Will had left after the movie session, a long conversation had followed; rather calmly this time. Since life was made of compromises, it hadn't been too hard to find one resulting in Alice going to the movies with her friend at the same time as Karen. Will had simply accepted to come along.

A few years earlier the situation would probably have been a lot different, way back then when Grace wasn't married to Leo and still shared The Riverside Drive apartment with the person everyone considered as her soul mate. But now she was in Brooklyn, with a life of her own.

Things had changed, through different roads.

…

"Goodnight."

Taking off her coat, Karen smiled at her niece who joyfully climbed the stairs and disappeared on the first floor, going to bed.

It had been a nice evening; no wonders, no regrets, no particular hopes either.

As Alice had entered the movie theater with her friend, Karen had stopped thinking and let herself get carried away, if only for one night.

The constant control she had operated since her divorce with Stanley over her own mind was exhausting and she needed a break from it.

She had enjoyed the movie they had chosen, enjoyed the odd, silent and long promiscuity next to him that the place had required. Her hand had brushed his, felt the softness of his skin close to hers. And when the lights had been turned back on, it had taken them long seconds before starting to talk again.

They had waited for the teenagers at the cafe of the movie theater, sharing a late-night coffee and talking about cinema, literature; poetry. Then they had all headed back home after the taxi had dropped Alice's friend just in front of her own house.

And there they were now, in the narrow entrance of her brownstone; trapped between a coat rack and a green plant.

She looked up at him, feeling suddenly uncomfortable before their promiscuity.

"Most of my books are upstairs, in my bedroom. I am not sure in which cardboard boxes the Steinbeck is but I should be able to find it rather easily and lend it to you."

"Yes, let's see if we can find it."

This wasn't what she had meant. She hadn't asked him, not even implicitly, to go up to her bedroom and look around for a book at almost one in the morning. But she didn't dare to say anything and let him follow her with some apprehension.

"Sorry but I only have the bedside lamp that is working right now..."

Pushing the door of her bedroom, Karen knelt down and turned the small light on. The warm shade only revealed a complete mess, from clothes to magazines and books that seemed to litter the whole place. She swallowed hard and made a face.

"I... I haven't really thought about this room yet and anyway with the works going on, there is no point to get the shelves install and all."

Will didn't say anything and knelt down instead, grabbing a cardboard box meticulously. She did alike and began to look for the book they had talked about a few hours before.

"We should go to the movies more often."

Surprised, she looked up at him for a few seconds and nodded.

"At least when I watch a movie, I don't think about a couple of things."

Perhaps she shouldn't have alluded to her divorce even though implicitly or at least should have tried to say it nonchalantly because her dry tone imposed a sudden, heavy silence over the room and she regretted it.

"I have found it!"

Victoriously, Karen grabbed an old book from a cardboard, stood up and was about to wave at it with emphasis when her forehead bumped on Will's. She dropped out the book and held her head instead, making a face then instinctively sat back on the bare mattress that served as bed.

"Damn!"

"Are you okay?"

She felt his hands on her wrists and let him do as he pushed her arms away to have a proper look at an eventual bump. He had knelt down in front of her and looked worried, sorry. His fingers brushed her forehead, softly.

"You have nothing..."

The first thing she noticed turned out to be his smile, reassuring on his lips. Then her eyes went up his face until they met his gaze and then she swallowed hard as the bare distance that separated them struck her.

She could feel his breath coming to lay on her lips, by waves.

He stopped smiling.

They kissed.

**To Do List**

**1. Making peace with Alice: done**

**2. Relaxing for an evening: done**

**3. Assuming a friendship and its meanings: complicated**


	6. Of Being Fine

6. Of Being Fine

She didn't give him more than a few seconds to roll on his back until she captured his lips again to feel back the softness of his tongue against hers.

Men had never kissed her that much. She had had many lovers, spent a lot of nights in their arms but barely shared what she considered as the most intimate gesture: trails of kisses from passionate to sweet ones. Their hands had caressed her breasts _ her hips _ but as soon as their thrusts had begun, she had always had a feeling she had disappeared from their mind, all of a sudden. It was frustrating, painful somehow.

Will was different. His way to approach her body was new and she liked it a lot.

They had kissed and had made love. As his hands had slowly traveled down her back, she had taken his shirt off and very soon had found herself under him, enjoying his caresses as their gestures adopted an increasing boldness.

That had never happened to her either. She had constantly dated men several times before even thinking about such commitment with someone. Her unexpected impulsion didn't match at all her own persona but as they finally broke apart _ breathless, shaking _ she didn't take it bad, didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed.

She passed her tongue over her lips. They were swollen, warm. Instinctively her hand tightened its grip over his arm and she looked up at him, straight in the eyes. He was staring at her _ intently _ as his fingertips were brushing her lower back.

Perhaps he thought that it was just a dream, a sort of odd fantasy.

"What time is it?"

Trying to hide her slight disappointment before his prosaic question, she rolled on her back and grabbed an alarm o'clock then put it back on the floor before facing him again still clutched to his arms.

"It is almost 2.30am."

"I have to go."

As much as she hoped, she didn't sense any reluctance as he got up and got dressed in front of her. On the contrary, he almost felt happy to leave, to rush away from the bed she was suddenly trapped in under the thick duvet.

She didn't dare to move, absurdly enough; didn't dare to stand up naked in front of him while he had just kissed every single inch of her skin.

"Do you want me to call a cab for you?"

She would have done anything to make him stay if only for a few seconds more, to feel the softness of his lips on her again; just one time. But he shook his head as he zipped up his pants.

"I will find one on Riverside or just walk the blocks up. After all, I don't live so far."

"You don't want to stay..."

She couldn't believe she had just said that. The comment required a boldness she had never had. It made her blush and obviously intimated Will as well since he suddenly stopped to look at her properly then seemed to hesitate before talking.

"I... I can't. What would Alice say? And... And what if Jack came at my place tomorrow but didn't find me there? It's... I can't."

And he was right.

He passed the door of her bedroom and she rushed out of bed, putting on the first piece of clothing she found, resulting to be a bathrobe then ran after him down the stairs.

"Will..."

He stopped in the entrance, just where they had found themselves a couple of hours earlier, trapped between a coat rack and a green plant. She made her way to him but stayed on the last step, looking at him with awkwardness.

She had nothing to say, nothing to add.

His lips found hers in a last kiss and he went away, quietly.

…

"You promise you won't cut it too short, right?"

Alice's anxious question made her giggle.

"What is it that we women are so obsessed with our hair? Ask me to cut mine and I can go hysterical about it."

"I wish I had long hair but mine is too thin for that. It breaks all the time."

Sat down on the hardwood floor of the living-room behind her niece, Karen grabbed the teenager's dark hair and began to brush it.

She hadn't managed to fall asleep. Once Will had left, she had retreated to her bedroom but the duvet had turned cold, and bitter as the aftermath of their impulsive act had settled down in her mind.

Then the guilt had appeared, strongly.

"Hmm, I have the same problem."

As she pulled Alice's hair up, her eyes stopped on the back of her niece's right ear. She brushed it softly, with her fingertip.

"Oh, it is a beauty spot. Mom says I have to be careful about it, we never know."

She smiled at Alice's matter-of-fact explanation, swallowed hard and taking a deep breath, grabbed the scissors to start the cut.

The clicking sound of the metal was sounding loud in the room, piercing the peaceful silence on this Saturday morning. The sky was gray but as she had got up, Karen had seen it blue, hopeful.

She felt fine and it hadn't happened in a very long while.

"Are you dating someone?"

Alice's question surprised her and even though she found herself behind _ making it impossible for her niece to look at her properly _ she immediately looked down as she felt a wave of heat run up her cheeks.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because nobody has spent the night over since I have arrived... I find it weird, that's all. If it is because I am here, I honestly don't mind if you see someone. You have your life."

How come life sounded so easy for some people when she always saw it as a hard time to go through? It wasn't fair.

"You know, my divorce just got finalized and..."

"It has been a month, now. It might be time for you to move on."

"I slept with Will last night. It wasn't planned."

Alice's neck got tensed, for a few seconds. Why had she told her that? It didn't make sense at all. Her niece was a teenager, who knew absolutely nothing about life, about her own life with Will, Grace and Jack.

She felt stupid, all of a sudden, and bit the inside of her mouth as a sign of frustration and self-anger.

"What are you going to do, now?"

Very slowly Karen put the pair of scissors back on the floor and brushed a strand of cut hair absent-mindedly.

"I don't know."

**To Do List**

**1. Getting closer to Alice: working on it**

**2. Trying to find a routine: working on it**

**3. Stopping to make mistake in relationships: hardly close to it**


	7. Of Lying among other Things

7. Of lying, among other things

"She looks a lot like you. There is something in her gaze, the delicacy of her features... If I hadn't known you and you would have introduced Alice as your daughter, I would have believed you."

"But she isn't, which is a luck for her somehow."

Nicotine spread in her lungs, embracing her throat with peculiarity as if feeling alive could only be experienced through a wave of pain, an inalienable one. She closed her eyes and leaned her head on a side; smiled.

He hadn't called. Two days had passed by yet and he hadn't tried to reach her in any way. She felt stupid now; for having hoped, for having believed that he would have cared when none of the previous ones had ever lied a real eye on her.

And it hurt.

"You see, it might surprise you but I have to disagree with you. For some reason I am sure that if you had had children, you would have been a very good mother."

Her blank peregrinations vanished all of a sudden and she stared at Grace instead, a bit taken aback. It didn't last though and very soon the weight of her life landed back on her bare shoulders. She shrugged her friend's comment away, not bothering a real answer but a pale smile.

"I need you to go to Barney's tomorrow, Karen."

"I can't."

"No, you don't want to. There is a difference."

"Not in the end... It will look the same."

He was laughing. From the couch of the living-room she was sat on, she could see him laugh in the kitchen with Alice. Then why did she feel like crying? They should have gone through the same path right now, for having shared the same. It wasn't fair.

She brought the cigarette to her lips but the nicotine had lost its taste. Everything was falling down.

"Karen, you won't be able to avoid The Upper East Side for the rest of your life. You have to move on..."

Her hazel eyes stared at Jack with a barely contained venom. How come did he dare to say this? How come did he support Grace and not her?

"I am moving on. It only requires more than a few seconds."

The cigarette stopped by her lips one more time but the spell had got broken. She looked at Grace sat on the other end of the sofa and swallowed hard.

"We can buy it all online. You don't need me there."

She was mad at herself. She had slept with Will and couldn't assume the sequels; all these wonders that weighed so much in her head. The realization had struck her as soon as she had passed the doors of the office in the morning and faced Grace.

She hadn't felt miserable, no. It had only been pity.

And guilt.

The harshness she had used had come up by itself, following an oppressive logic she hadn't dared to face. And there she was now, lonely and lost; bitter.

'I haven't said that you had to date anyone, it is just that..."

"And what if I were?"

The audacity in her tone had sounded extremely false but it still had its effect, somehow. Grace and Jack stared at her, perplexed. What could she say? She had always preferred to be the leader, especially when it came to words.

"The dinner is ready!"

Alice's voice broke down the strange atmosphere her last statement had imposed, owning an innocence that didn't match with Karen's insinuations at all.

They all went to sit down at the table.

…

"I don't understand why you would only go into a one-night stand with him when you are both single and so, available."

The snow had got strength as they had headed out of Will's building but they had chosen to go back home walking. After all the brownstone was only a few blocks down. They just hadn't imagined that the wind would blow so hard, that it would be freezing.

Karen tightened her grip on her coat and laughed at her niece's remark.

"Don't take it bad but you still have a lot to learn in your life."

"I might know a lot more yet than what you think."

"Do you... Are you sexually active?"

The mock on Alice's face only highlighted the ridiculous choice of the words she had used in her question. Her cheeks began to burn but for once Karen didn't try to hide anything.

She was too preoccupied for that, too taken aback.

The teenager burst out laughing, hands in the pockets of her coat. She stopped in the middle of the street, a few steps away from the brownstone.

"I am not a little girl anymore, Karen."

"You aren't old enough either."

"Maybe... But I wouldn't miss opportunities as some adults keep on doing. Because life is too short, too fragile."

And as if nothing had happened _ as if nothing had been said _ Alice began to walk again then climbed the outside stairs that led to the townhouse with the same self-confidence she had always showed.

Though hers sounded true, not that artificial.

Once the teenager headed to bed, Karen sat down on the couch of her own living-room and looked around. The few furniture she had purchased were still hidden under white sheets, green plants trying desperately to give a soul to the place.

If a home was supposed to reflect its owner's personality then hers remained blank and empty.

It took her a while to grab her cell phone, to type a few words then to press on the right button.

But as Will knocked on the door _ some time later _ the way she rushed to it and succumbed to his arms only lasted a few seconds.

**To Do list**

**1. Talk to Alice, about a few things: working on it**

**2. Go to Barney's, draw a line under Stanley: working on it**

**3. Define whatever is going on with Will: too scared to try anything**


	8. Of Following Roads

8. Of following roads

She had simply abandoned a routine behind to embrace another one instead; as if life couldn't go on without precised references, a series of elements to rely on.

Will was her base now, an odd and troubling logic.

She had grown accustomed to his hands, the way they used to slide down her chest and came to rest on her lower back pressing her skin softly.

His lips had engraved a thousand trails of kisses on her body, their warmth capturing her mind little by little until she had forgotten the shades of her previous existence; way back then when they had barely shared a mere gaze.

Perhaps she just wasn't made to be lonely.

After all whenever she had tried _ to live on her own _ it had never worked out. In the best of the cases she had ended up getting married and in the worst ones, she had sealed a few deals she had kept on regretting even if quietly, secretly.

Will might have simply come up at the right time and the synchronicity explanation had at last the credit to make her feel relieved.

She closed her eyes as his fingers brushed her hair and he planted a kiss on the back of her ear. It had only been two weeks, how come was she not allowed to enjoy it any longer? Just when she started getting used to it all _ from their lies to their stifled moans _ it had to come to a break.

It wasn't fair.

His leg caressed hers and as he finally passed his arms around her bare stomach, she bit her lower lip in a sign of frustration, cold anger.

"I couldn't tell her no..."

"But you could have told me before having your way with me. Sometimes you seem to have even less pity than most of the heterosexual men I slept with."

They never alluded to his sexuality, probably because none of them would have known what to say about it. The confusing character of the situation was heavy enough not to mention it explicitly.

Rolling on her back _ as if to break the awkward moment her comment had stirred up _ she looked for his brown eyes in the hope to find there a semblance of answer to all her wonders. It didn't work.

He sighed.

"I don't necessarily have to spend all my evenings with her. I am allowed to go out, alone, whenever I want."

"This isn't true and you know it. Leo has left for a mission abroad, Grace is going to move back in with you for a few weeks and all of a sudden it sounds like it has always have: the two of you, together... Will and Grace, the improbable and yet untouchable pairing."

It wasn't jealousy but pain, a very peculiar sensation that oppressed her heart and set off a wave of quiet panic over her mind. What would happen once he closed the door and left?

She hated routines for being indispensable and yet terribly fragile.

In a gesture of reconciliation, her fingertip brushed his jaw until her lips replaced it by a soft, long kiss. She liked feeling his body against hers.

She would miss it.

Her mouth captured his as his smile melt in hers and she let him roll on top of her. They broke apart, settled in each other's arms.

"What am I going to do now on my Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights?"

Her attempt to lighten her question by a laugh failed. She swallowed hard and observed quietly the way her hand was intertwined with his.

"You could spend more time with your niece."

"Are you kidding? She doesn't stop pushing me into your arms. She is obsessed with the idea of some 'you and I'... I don't know why, though. It sounds rather unhealthy, doesn't it?"

"What does 'AIW' mean?"

Taken aback, Karen frowned and leaned up on her elbow to look at Will in the eyes.

"What are you talking about?"

"There, on the cardboard box... It is written 'AIW'. What does it stand for?"

Following the motion of his hand, her hazel gaze stopped on one of the numerous boxes she had opened but not emptied. A soft smile lit up her features. Absurdly enough, she was touched that he had noticed the three letters among all the rest.

"They stand for 'Alice in Wonderland'. It is my favorite novel and I have a whole collection of different prints, from rather old ones to the very latest."

Tightening her grip on the duvet in a moment of shyness, she leaned over and grabbed the cardboard box. Will sat up and took out some of the copies. He seemed amused, and surprised.

She was intimidated, desperately trying to not show it but the slightest gesture of Will picking up one of the prints and leafing through it was enough to set off a wave of deep embarrassment in her mind. He was getting access to something she had never really shared with anyone and she wasn't ready for that.

"This is the very first one I had."

It took her a lot of courage to grab the book and tend it to her friend. As soon as he took it, she hid her shaking hands.

Will opened it and a picture slid out of the pages. He picked it up immediately.

"Is that you?"

The portrait was in black and white, the colors having faded a bit through the light of the years but the intensity of the hazel eyes and the pale complexion of the face were still there as if not even time would ever get a hold over them.

"I was seven..."

A smile played on Will's lips as his fingers brushed the picture.

"What are you laughing at?"

"I am not laughing, Kare... It is just that it is the first time I see you as a child, with bunches and a school uniform."

"And?"

Her voice had betrayed her sudden lack of self-confidence, lost in the furtiveness of her bare question and her shaking tone.

Very slowly Will put back the books into the cardboard box. His fingers slid over the duvet until they made contact with her arm and he planted a kiss on her shoulders, going up to her neck with a delicate, almost fragile sweetness.

If he ever replied by words, she never heard any of them.

**To Do List**

**1. Read 'Alice in Wonderland': done, done and done**

**2. Find a new balance in existence: working on it**

**3. Accept that Will and Grace will always work without me: complicated**


	9. Of Toothbrushes and Gold Fishes

9. Of toothbrushes and gold fishes

A metallic sound increased on her right as the car followed an improbable inclination and she felt her back press on the seat. She had closed her eyes since the very beginning but the sudden downfall of the temperature had let her imagine the worst; unusual heights, probably. Even the brouhaha that had surrounded her at some point seemed to come from very far now while an icy breeze found a peculiar pleasure in embracing her nape before sending shivers down her spine.

She wasn't scared but terrified.

Someone burst out laughing in her back. A girl giggled ahead of her.

She swallowed hard.

"Open your eyes, Kare... You are going to miss the best part."

"If I ever dare a look, I pass out."

The words had fought to pierce through her clenched teeth, to hit the air weakly stealing thus the rest of her energy.

The car stopped, suddenly.

She took a deep breath and waited desperately for the inevitable descent and the terrible effect that speed would have over her heart, her whole body.

Funfairs. She had always hated them.

Amusement rides paralyzed her for a reason she wasn't able to explain but when Alice had asked her to go out for an evening with a friend, she had accepted only to find out too late that it would take place at a funfair.

She had seen it as a great opportunity to spend some time with Will _ their first evening together since Grace had moved back in with him _ but the quiet time she had imagined had suddenly been reduced to pieces as she had been pushed to step on the biggest roller coaster of the funfair.

And there she was now, eyes closed and terribly silent next to Will while their car was about to get precipitated into the descent. He would make fun of her later, she knew it.

But before she realized it, she was back on the ground _ still vaguely shaking _ and walking away from the amusement ride holding Will's hand tightly.

"Are they dating?"

With a motion of the head Will pointed out at Alice who was walking ahead of them with some boy of her age. Perhaps it had only been timidity but they hadn't showed the slightest sign of complicity, only laughed.

"I don't know... She didn't tell me."

So against everyone's expectations, she decided to leave them alone for a while agreeing on a thirty-minute implicit moment of intimacy. Besides she was also dying for it, finding herself alone with Will; be able to kiss him, to taste the lips she had missed.

"Come with me!"

With sparkling eyes she led him to a photo booth and settled by his side.

"I haven't done that for ages..."

Her heart was beating fast under the reminiscence of a time she had almost forgotten, meticulously put in a corner of her head where dust had made its work little by little but the excitement was coming back and nothing had changed at all.

Surprisingly enough, she still could feel light; and carefree.

…

"How are you going to call them?"

"Romeo and Juliet."

Her finger followed the gold fishes against the glass of the little tank until she grew tired of it. She had won them at the funfair and had forced everyone to find an open pharmacy to buy the required food and tank before going back home, heading to bed. As they had passed the door of the brownstone, Will had sent a message to Grace.

He would spend the night here, at her place.

Sitting down on the floor of her bedroom, she turned her head on a side and observed Will in the ensuite bathroom. Besides the food and the tank, they had bought a toothbrush. How come such a tiny detail could make her smile so brightly, could warm up her heart that constantly felt so icy?

She felt proud and happy, absurdly enough.

"They haven't kissed. I am afraid there won't be a second date for him."

She smiled at Will's comment and took out of her pocket the pictures they had taken in the photo booth. Her eyes studied them meticulously, noticing the features of their face and the depth of their gazes.

She passed a finger over the one where they were kissing then grabbed a copy of "Alice in Wonderland" and put the photos somewhere between two pages.

"Perhaps they didn't dare, because we were with them."

Will stepped out of the bathroom, abandoned his clothes on an armchair and came to sit down next to her before planting a soft kiss on top of her head; passing an arm around her waist.

"What did Grace say about you staying here tonight? I only have one guest room and my niece is in it. She knows that."

If a note of jealousy and embarrassment had been audible in her question, Will didn't seem bother at all. He shrugged, leafed through a magazine abandoned close to him.

"She didn't allude to it. I assume she came to the conclusion we would share your bed."

"And you don't find it strange? I thought she would get mad or something..."

"I honestly doubt that she knows I plan to use my new toothbrush severa times a week."

She should have been touched by the sweetness emanating from the sentence but Will's insinuation only stirred up a latent panic in her head.

He had plans. She barely knew what the next morning would look like.

And for the very first time, Karen felt like spending the night alone, far from Will's arms.

**To Do List**

**1. taking care of fishes, along with my life: working on it**

**2. confiding in Alice, letting her live her own life: working on it**

**3. making plans, with or without Will: impossible to define**


	10. Of Doubts and Impossibility

10. Of doubts and impossibility

"You used to love this place so much."

If her salad had looked insipid until now, the last colors lost their ounce of interest and she abdicated, putting down her fork on the table. Stress was oppressing her stomach in a way that prevented her from being hungry.

"You are right. I used to."

Grace's sigh of exasperation penetrated her mind but flew away almost immediately as if it lacked the required strength to get the slightest effect on her anymore; as if she didn't care.

"What are you afraid of? Running into Stanley while you are alone, and single?"

As signing her divorce, a light had been turned off over The Upper East Side. Avenues and buildings had suddenly lost their charms and she had looked around at the skyline from a new perspective, a very bare one. A sentiment of fear had substituted to her past, taking away the references of a life she had thought inalienable.

She had never come back.

Until this Monday, when Grace had literally dragged her to one of her favorite places for an improvised lunch.

"You don't understand what it is, Gracie; what happened to me the day Stanley said that he had been wrong _ all the way _ and that our marriage should have never been. He didn't hurt me, didn't break my heart... But reduced to ashes my self-esteem and crashed any sentiment of self-confidence I had built. And this, you see, doesn't help that much at the end."

From the other side of the tiny, bistro-like table, Grace seemed to be taken aback. The reply had obviously not been the expected one and Karen couldn't blame her friend. After all, this was all she deserved after years and years of childish lightness.

And then people forgot, little by little, that sometimes she needed seriousness as well.

"Don't take it bad but I didn't know that you loved him so much."

"I didn't. I was just accustomed to his presence, addicted to the situation. For a whole decade I depended on him... It is hard to draw a line under it."

"I understand The Upper East Side brings back memories to your mind but you still have most of your favorite places here. You need to move on, Karen. Even if it is difficult... And if by accident you happen to meet Stanley in the middle of Madison Avenue, where is the problem? It isn't written all over your face that you aren't dating anyone, that you have not turned the page yet."

"Actually I have met someone."

If she had been asked later when exactly she thought that she had lost control over the conversation, she would have chosen this moment. But the truth was she might have never had any hold over it.

"What?"

Grace's stifled scream still got the attention of a few other clients who stared at the table for a long minute before finding back concentration on their own plates.

"I have met someone, a little while ago. But... I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

Led by a wave of intense nervousness, she grabbed back her fork and plunged pointlessly into her salad to get her shaking hands busy on something.

"I mean I don't know if it is going to work out or if it is only a... A sort of thing happening in the moment with nothing else behind. I have been thinking about it for a couple of days now and I am afraid that we don't share the same expectations."

"What did you not tell me anything about it earlier?"

"Damn Grace! Put your bloody ego aside for once, okay? I didn't say anything to anyone because there is nothing to say, that's all. And the more I think about it, the more it is obvious that I have used this person as a rebound. Which is just awful, absolutely awful."

"It is odd to see you feel guilty; odd but reassuring, somehow. You aren't the first one who uses a rebound. What is the big deal? Just break up with him and move on."

"It isn't always that easy. Some people count in your life, a lot more than others... And so it is hard to realize that even those ones, I haven't been able to respect who they are; how much they mean to me."

She had lost herself in confessions and hated it because it had stirred up Grace's curiosity but what could she say? She had needed to speak, openly. She might have trusted Alice but her niece was still just a teen; not the adult who would understand what she meant.

"Who is it?"

"If I wasn't ready to actually get involved into a new relationship, I am certainly not going to reveal his identity. Have you ever heard of the word 'privacy'?"

She came back home with the decision to break up with Will; because things were going too fast, because she didn't feel it. But as soon as he passed the door of her townhouse, it all exploded into inconceivable plans.

She needed his lips on her neck, his hands traveling along her spine and his long sighs against her ear as she straddled him _ her breath shortened by their kisses _ and took her top off; her eyes locked with his.

She couldn't live without Will, not now. Probably never if she had had to be honest with herself.

No mattered the situation made her feel oppressed.

**To Do List**

**1. Go back to The Upper East Side and face some memories: done**

**2. Talk to Grace, rely on her: done**

**3. Stop seeing Will: not ready for this**


	11. Of not Saying Things

11. Of not saying things

When the sun caressed her eyes and stole away her dreams, she knew that it was time to let reality settle back in. The passing-by of days _ of weeks _ brought a constant note of increasing complexity to the task and losing herself in a few minutes of wanders had all of a sudden ceased to be rare. It had turned into a necessity, a quiet one that would give her the strength to pretend they were alright, that they were doing fine.

So she remained there, in his arms, while the morning slowly embraced them with the cruelty of a blinding light.

A kiss planted on her temple set off a smile on her lips, a delicate, fragile one. Doubts had invaded her mind for a while now, preventing her from succumbing to the most complete abandon and all of a sudden the situation had darkened, in silent.

She hated to recognize it but everything lacked logic; from the way they had got closer to the intimacy they had built in the most shameful anonymity.

She was older than him.

He preferred men.

Their past didn't allow them to cross the limits.

It didn't make sense at all, especially the way she was getting addicted to it.

"You should get up. It is only a matter of minutes before Grace and Jack arriving."

"I don't mind."

His false self-confidence when it came to Grace got on her nerves because the reaction he would have had if they had faced the dreaded situation was on the antipodes of what he tried to pretend. She wanted him to be honest, and bare; no mattered it hurt.

His lips went down her neck in a trail of kisses. She let him do, relaxed under his touch but as his fingertips brushed her lower stomach, she instinctively jumped; pushed him away.

Embarrassed by her own reaction, Karen sat up in bed and looked around for a shirt to put on. She didn't like those moments. They made her feel bad, even more when she remained silent but the words never really came up by then.

"It doesn't make you disgraceful in any way. We all have scars, and yours is very small; almost invisible, Kare."

"I can't stand it. It is... Repelling. Even though you can barely see it. I know it is there, I know it will always be there. On me. And it is enough to disgust me."

"What happened to you, by the way?"

He had never asked until then, only locked his eyes with hers as she had pushed his hand away from it the first time he had tried to get closer. Then none of them had insisted.

"Nothing interesting."

The front door got slammed two floors below. Grace's voice resounded loud and resulted enough to put an end to the blurry explanation. Within a second Will got up and headed to the bathroom, leaving her alone in bed. She waited for the door to get closed before abandoning the heat of the duvet as well then walked on her tiptoes to a small room she had decided to use as an office, next door.

She turned the computer on and was checking her emails when Grace poked her head.

"Where is Will?"

"In the bathroom..."

The worst of all was that her tone of voice had been studied so much that it couldn't be better, even if she had been honest. It always made her feel sick.

"I don't understand why he persists on spending the night here, sleeping on this sofa-bed in this small room when he only lives a few blocks away."

There wasn't vehemence in Grace's voice, even less suspicion. She had said it with plain innocence as she had sat down on the sofa falsely converted in bed for an utopian night.

"He is tired... We generally watch movies until very late in the night so then he doesn't have the courage to hail a cab and even less go back to Riverside Drive walking."

That was such a satisfying lie.

…

She liked crowded places, not for the boiling sentiment of life emanating but because she could almost disappear if only for a few minutes; then left everything behind. It was an odd, addicting fantasy.

Alice waved at her from the ice rink, a bright smile on her lips. It hadn't hit Karen until then but it had been a while since she had seen the teenager happy. Way too absorbed in her affair with Will, the rest had faded away almost automatically. The smile reassured her and she swore to herself that she would make some efforts before it being too late.

"Are you sure you don't want to join us?"

Jack's question made her scoff. She took a sip of her coffee and shook her head at him while settling further on her seat. They all had rented ice-skates but her and pretending to be thirsty, she had grabbed a chair instead.

Only a few people knew that Karen Walker preferred to observe scenes instead of living them. It hurt a little less at the end.

"Oh, damn!"

"Wait, let me do."

Struggling to put her hair back under her snow hat, Alice smiled at Will as he stopped in her back and helped her, among the crowd of ice-skaters.

If his fingertip hadn't brushed it, he would have probably never noticed anything and life would have gone on, just like that.

"Oh, it is just a beauty spot!"

But Alice's words barely made it to his ears. Instead, a thousand images were rushing to his mind and seemed to get assembled into what looked like a bitter, incomprehensible puzzled.

Reality hurt. Details made the difference; like a smile on a face, the delicacy of well-known features, the singularity of a beauty spot _ the exact same one he had touched over and over in the darkness of the night _ and the mystery surrounding an old scar.

Or even a novel, a favorite one.

Seeing no reaction on Will's face, Alice frowned and bit her lower lip.

"Are you okay? You are kind of pale, all of a sudden."

He swallowed hard.

"Yes, I... Actually I am going to get a drink."

The world had kept on turning but as he sat next to Karen and looked around, it seemed like everything had slowed down. For a second he hesitated to speak. She looked relaxed, fine when what was about to come would probably break it all into pieces.

"Is she Stanley's?"

But the words came out by themselves, icily.

"What are you talking about?"

Will discreetly pointed out at Alice who was ice-skating with Grace and Jack before staring at Karen straight in the eyes.

"I am talking about Alice, your daughter. Does she have any idea of this?"

**To Do List**

**1. Leave the past behind: working on it**

**2. Not to be so blind: working on it**

**3. Deal with a few things, some harsh memories: if only**


	12. Of Playing your Life on Appearances

12. Of playing your life on appearances

"From the day I found a picture of you I thought that Alice looked a lot like you. She had nothing from your sister, not even her behavior. Of course she could have been the exact replica of her mysterious father but then why would she have had your features, such a graceful smile and this peculiar way your eyes have to glimmer like the stars whenever you laugh?"

She didn't reply. Even if she had wanted to, it wouldn't have been possible.

It hadn't hurt, hadn't broken her heart into pieces but simply embraced it with a cruel iciness and emotions had stopped reaching her brain. She was alive but deprived of any human characteristic, the ones that imposed a distinction between animals and men: the depth of a soul.

"You would have told me that it had been caused by the appendicitis, I wouldn't have believed it. Your silence said a lot more, finally... You needed a c-section, right? This is the reason of your scar, on your lower stomach. And the birthmark, this beauty spot on the back of her ear... Have you noticed it? I kissed yours so many times, brushed it over and over."

Her eyes kept on staring at the ice rink, following Alice's evolution among the crowd of skaters. An odd peace seemed to emanate from the observation, far on the distance; contrasting so much with the coldness surrounding the table.

"And Alice... Damn, Karen! Alice in Wonderland? I... What happened? How can you live and pretend not to be her mother? It goes against nature. This is unfair. She deserves to know the truth."

"This is none of your business."

Her voice had sounded low, cold and rather controlled. Tightening her grip on the cheap cup of coffee _ in a gesture of implicit nervousness _ she stood up and swallowed back a wave of dizziness as Alice approached, followed by Jack and Grace.

"I wish you had come skating with us, aunt Karen!"

The sudden and unusual use of her definite status before her niece hit her straight in the face, giving even more strength to Will's previous words and the discovery of a truth she would have preferred it to remain quiet, unknown.

Alice had never referred to her as her 'aunt'; only called her name until then. Coincidence was a very bare thing, a cruel one.

"Maybe another day, another time. Now let's go back home if you don't mind. I have a headache."

"But how about the table we have booked?"

If it hadn't been for the teenager ice-skating, she would have run away as soon as Will had begun to speak. It wouldn't have been the first time, on the contrary. As the decades had passed by, escaping physically from a situation had seemed to be the only effective way she had found to draw a line under her problems.

It didn't work that much but didn't require any courage either.

"Oh please, let go to the restaurant. You will have a rest later..."

Her eyes traveled from Jack to Alice, meticulously avoiding Will. A few seconds flew away and she finally nodded, biting the inside of her mouth.

"Okay..."

They went up 7th Avenue and she remained quiet all along, hands in the pockets of her coat; staring blankly at her shoes. Will opened the door of the restaurant. She stepped in but immediately excused herself and headed to the bathroom, pacing the poor distance that separated her from the lobby to the private room.

She locked the door behind her, leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling before taking long, desperate breaths. The situation was cruelly ironical for someone who had spent most of her life pretending; living on appearances. It suddenly burned and oppressed her chest with strength. Perhaps she had gone too far and her mask wasn't enough this time.

She swallowed hard, digging back the tears deep inside.

She just wanted to go away, be alone and cry. Then forget, eventually; or even disappear for a while. Would it be justified as a forgiving act?

In a long sigh she stepped out of the toilets and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red but a shade that could have passed unnoticed, even caused by the icy wind. And if her complexion was extremely pale, she knew that a couple of drinks would get rid of the deathly color of her skin.

When she finally made it to her place a few hours later, the sensation that it was too late, that she had missed the right time to let go of everything suddenly invaded her and she felt empty; exhausted.

With a pale smile to the teenager, she headed upstairs to her bedroom and didn't bother to turn the light on. Unless it was purely an act of cowardice, a way to hide a bit more a reality she didn't like... She took her clothes off _ in the dark _ then plunged under the duvet. How could such an icy place could have have been so warm in the exact morning?

The streetlight was piercing through her window and very soon she grew accustomed to the dark; grabbed a book that had been abandoned next to the mattress, on the floor. She opened it to the first page, causing thus the fall of a long, rectangular paper.

The photos they had taken at the funfair... Had she really forgotten them or simply put them in a corner of her mind, somewhere far and dark enough not to think about them anymore?

Her eyes stopped on the third one, where her lips were locked with Will's and you could see their smile; delicate and fragile. Too much, perhaps.

**To Do List**

**1. Face the past to turn the page once and for all: going to try**

**2. Talk to Will, confess a few worries: going to try**

**3. Stop feeling guilty, accept it is better like that: how?**


	13. Of Talking

13. Of talking

From the depth of her bed, she looked at the hours passing by; the nights flying away as the days seemed to slow down. Sometimes she closed her eyes _ exhausted _ but as soon as she began to succumb to her dreams, they tended to darken and shook her until reality hit her back, making her face the loneliness of her life. So she remained there, staring at the ceiling embraced by the shades of time.

Grace and Jack thought that she had plunged back into the aftermath of her divorce, that the period she had looked happy had only been a brief one; ephemeral like her smiles.

They stopped by, from time to time, but hardly hid their awkwardness before her lack of enthusiasm for the notion of life in itself. This was the problem with Karen. People used to see her exhilarated, always elaborating a thousand plans with such a carefree attitude that her sudden apathetic behavior took them aback, making them feel disarmed.

Will's presence was rare if not nonexistent at all, not that he was the one to blame. And yet, who could really understand?

Her guilt very soon got accompanied by a heavy frustration _ a strong boredom before the implacable monotony of the world _ and sighing loudly, she got up one evening.

If there had been a lull at some point, the snow had come back over New York with rage and the wind was blowing hard now, causing a thousand noises resound throughout the house. The atmosphere was gloomy but yet vaguely reassuring.

She slowly stepped into the bathroom and was about to turn the water of the tub on when her gaze caught the plastic item in its field of vision. Shaking, she sat on the edge of the ceramic bathtub _ palms down on the cold metal _ and stared intently at the object as its bright red sent back a thousand memories to her mind. Will's toothbrush, all the plans he had...

And it hurt. It hurt so bad.

A wave of precipitation suddenly fell upon her shoulders. Putting a woolen cardigan on, she exited her bedroom and hurried down to the first floor. All the lights had been turned on, bringing warmth to the house and contrasting sharply with the last story of the place; the one she was locked in.

"Hey... Can I come in?"

Alice was sat at her desk, surfing on the Web while The Beatles were playing on an old stereo that had been abandoned there.

"Of course! Are you okay? You seem to be cold."

Karen shrugged and made a few timid steps to the bed, sat there awkwardly on the edge of the mattress. She crossed her arms against her chest, instinctively; protectively.

"What are you doing?"

If she had tried to sound detached, it had completely failed. Her voice had resounded loud but yet incredibly fragile in the room. It made her blush.

"Oh... Nothing special. Just checking a few things, emailing people..."

"And how are things going at school?"

"Fine, I guess."

Will's reproaching tone of voice was spinning around in her head, making her feel dizzy and every time she tried to let the words come out, she miserably crashed. It didn't work, just like her so-called relation to Alice. They had nothing in common and knew it. It was all about politeness, and some sad realization that it would never go any further. And so what, anyway? Everyone had regrets.

Some just more than others.

"And... How is everything going, in your life I mean?"

The question surprised the teenager who raised dubious eyebrows before shrugging; her eyes fixed on the floor.

"I am doing okay. I mean, I suppose. I made great friends here so it will be hard to leave next week but... That's life and anyway, I don't live very far. We will keep in touch, if it is meant to be."

"So you are... Satisfied with your life, and happy at home. Your real home, that is. Not here. I am really sorry for all the works, my extremely unbalanced life and everything..."

"I like it here."

The comment took Karen aback but warmed up her heart and even stirred up on her lips the shadow of a smile.

"Do you get along with your mother? And your father? I don't want to sound intrusive, it is just that I made so many mistakes when I was your age that as your aunt, I want you to avoid them."

"I am not planning to rush away from the house when I turn sixteen."

"Who told you about that?"

"Mom... You know, she might not tell it to you very often but she loves you a lot; and missed you when you went away. Now to be honest, I am a bit jealous that she left for Switzerland without me but with the art gallery and all, she has an impossible schedule and would have taken me with her if there hadn't been school. She is a very good mother, in spite of all."

"And she is very lucky to have you because you are an extremely sweet person, Alice."

Saying that a weight had vanished from her chest would have been pretentious but the teenager's words nonetheless stirred up an odd feeling of relief; timidly. And things suddenly appeared clearly.

"Now why don't you see Will anymore? Why did he stop spending the night over here?"

Embarrassed, Karen looked down at her lap and twisted her hands until the blood ceased to reach her fingertips; the skin turning into a deadly white.

"What is it that you are so obsessed with pushing me in his arms? Do I look like lost in a complete despair?"

"No, not at all. It is just that when you are with him, you keep on smiling; genuinely."

"Oh, don't be stupid."

"I am not the only one who thinks so. Grace and Jack agree with me and even tried to push you to admit the fact that you were seeing Will but... Do you know the most ironical part of this story? You spend your whole time trying to control everything but in the end, you get blinded; and so naive... You should talk to Grace, and Jack. Talk to Will as well and maybe you would understand what I try to say."

**To Do List**

**1. Get up of bed: done**

**2. Talk to Alice: done**

**3. Think about Will, Grace and Jack, about life: not so far**


	14. Of Moving forward

14. Of Moving forward

"Karen?"

She had always been sure that life hadn't been made of coincidences, that everything had been written down since the very beginning and the only thing you could do was to adjust yourself to the series of elements that would accompany you until your death.

The problem was that she miserably lacked the courage to do so and as soon as she had to face one of those dreaded situations, she ran away. It had worked until now but as she turned around that day and looked around, she realized that she would have no choice but for once assume it all and smile back at Stanley.

It had taken her a whole morning to find the strength to cross Central Park and walk through the avenues of The Upper East Side, haunted by the perspective she might see her ex-husband. Five minutes at Barney's and her nightmare came true.

"Hi..."

He hadn't changed, hadn't lost weight nor gain some. Her curiosity substituted her fear and she looked into his eyes, looking for a flame _ even vague _ of happiness. She didn't come to any satisfying conclusion though.

"How are you doing? Still living on the other side of the city?"

If he had been the one asking for a divorce, he had never blamed her for anything; never meant to hurt her in any way. His feelings had simply vanished, little by little until there hadn't been any reason to remain married to her.

She had been taken aback by his decision, in pain before a sentiment nobody had had a hold on in the end.

"Fine... Spending time with Alice, my niece. Since she leaves next week, I wanted to buy her some present. That's why I came here. And the house has gone under major works that are almost over now."

She felt stupid, extremely random in her reply if not just desperate. Biting the inside of her mouth to restrain a scream of frustration, she looked aside and shrugged.

"What about you?"

"Way too much work. It is driving me crazy. Hopefully I will be able to plan a getaway for Deborah and I in a couple of weeks."

"Deborah?"

"The woman I am seeing. She is a school teacher, very attentive. Olivia and Mason love her."

She kept on smiling but the force she employed in it began to hurt, making her lips shake a little bit.

"And you, are you seeing someone?"

This time her eyes focused on the ground as the vivid image of Will automatically hit her mind, only to disappear behind a fog of doubts, a bitter one. She swallowed hard.

"I don't know. I am not sure. I... I guess I had hopes but one more time I didn't turn out to be able to handle that."

"If you really care about him then don't give up so easily, Karen. It is never too late. Take a deep breath and make a step forward. You won't regret it. Well, I am sorry but I have to go now. I wish you the best, will always do."

Her eyes captured his smile but it all came from his words, the sentences he had made as well as the sincerity emanating from them.

She remained still long minutes after he left, observing blankly the passers-by in the street. Then it struck her, suddenly. How could someone pretend to be alive if a window kept on separating this person from the rest of the crowd? It wasn't logical.

…

The place was crowded, a suffocating brouhaha played in the background but it was just what she needed; the anonymity of a place where the words would eventually come out more easily.

She took a sip of her coffee and made a face. An invisible strength pressed on her throat, preventing her from eating or drinking properly. She was stressed and yet resigned even though he had accepted to meet her. Some people would have seen it as a sign when it sounded more like pity to her heart.

The door opened and he stepped in. She waved at him; he nodded then headed straight to the counter to order a drink. For some reason she concentrated on his hands as he sat in front of her and took off his coat.

She counted until three and looked up; locked her eyes with his. There wasn't sadness in his gaze, only a cold anger.

With shaking hands, she made an envelope slide on the table and motioned him to open it. It looked old, worn-out by the years.

As he did and took out a few papers _ an adoption file and the copy of a birth certificate _ a tiny wristband fell on the table. It was pink, with a name written on it: Alice Delaney.

"His name was David and he was a photographer. I had divorced twice and had honestly lost any kind of hope over life when I met him. Everything tipped over within a second, not really like in a movie but still... I fell in love for him. I got pregnant rather quickly. It had to be a sign that we were meant to be or at least that's what we loved saying... Anyway... Then he got a contract with an agency, left for Columbia and got killed. From then on I began to concentrate on my pregnancy. I was due three weeks later and this child was all that I had left from him. Not that someone can replace another one but it still heals... I went into labor, gave birth to a healthy little girl I named Alice but it all crashed as soon as I held her in my arms. I couldn't handle it without him. I couldn't go on like that, alone. Before the situation, I remain at the hospital then got diagnosed severally depressed. Unable to take care of myself so imagine of a new-born... My sister can't have children. That's life as we say... But still... She was married and had the balanced life I had never been able to reach. It only took them five seconds to make me sign the papers. Only five seconds to accept a deal that deep inside keeps on hurting atrociously. But I did it for Alice, because I was unable to bring her what she deserved and I was right at the end. Look at her now. She is a bright, young woman. I couldn't be prouder but I can't do that to her now, I can't crash her life down and reduce it to ashes just for the sake of a bare, harsh honesty. And I am sorry if you don't understand it, Will, but please... Don't imagine that it is easy. There is nothing worse than waking up every morning knowing that I have completely missed out my life and that I have left behind the only child I will probably ever have. It isn't hard but atrocious and the truth is that it took me so many years to find a way to ease the pain but I let it go as well. I let you go... And I need you so much."

She had kept on staring at the back of a stroller all along; hands clutched around her cup of coffee. Concentrated on her words, the rest had passed unnoticed but as she stopped, she felt the tears run down her cheeks.

She stood up and hurried outside, lacking the strength to face the facts of life.

**To Do List**

**1. Go to The Upper East Side: done**

**2. Face Stanley: done**

**3. Talk to Will: done**


	15. Of white Sheets and multicolored Bouquet

15. Of white Sheets and multicolored Bouquets

"Why don't you take all the sheets off now that the works over the house are done? And start your new life, turn the page over the past."

"I like it the way it is, blurry and messy."

"He will come back. It is only a matter of time... Don't you find life incredibly ironical? I do. I had planned so many things for Will and I but fifteen years later we haven't done most of them. It only took him a few seconds to imagine them with you though."

Flames embraced a log, their crackling bringing an odd echo to Grace's words. From the sofa she was sat on, Karen abandoned the contemplation of the fireplace to lock her eyes with her friend's, with a honest humility. She hadn't missed the bitterness in the voice or the slow way the sentences had taken to come up out loud.

Why could reality be so harsh, so tough?

But Grace didn't give her enough time to properly react and say something; maybe find a way to apologize for such situation, a very unfair one.

"From the moment he met you, for the first time, it all turned around you. Karen, Karen, Karen... You might have not noticed it _ neither had he _ but it had always sounded so obvious to me. And I am glad it had to be you, no matters my past and what we lived. At least I know that he will do just fine."

Grace didn't wait for a reply and stood up, putting her coat on before heading to the door. It seemed like she didn't need any particular comment; as if everything was fine, logical. And she had simply settled it down out loud.

"Well, have a nice evening and see you tomorrow."

The door got closed and a sudden sentiment of loneliness embraced Karen who was still sat on the sofa. As a matter of fact, she hadn't moved an inch and let her friend talk all along instead. Perhaps she had needed it, after what looked more and more like a fiasco: her face-to-face with Will. It had been a whole day now since she had rushed away from him after blurting out an oppressive past. He hadn't called, hadn't stopped by.

A sob resounded loud in the empty living-room but she didn't let it go; stifled it instead, plunging her face into her hands. The first tears welled up in her eyes and she stood up right away, hurrying upstairs.

She had reached the first floor when someone knocked at the door. She stopped, looked behind and swallowed hard, clenched her fists.

"Alice, could you please go and see who it is? I need to go to the bathroom."

"Sure..."

She heard the teenager stood up by the open door of the bedroom and rushed to the end of the corridor, locked the bathroom door behind her to escape from anyone's gaze. Crying wasn't a public affair.

Fresh water on her face cooled down her sudden despair until her curiosity got caught by the voices downstairs. Alice was talking, low.

"There is a delivery for you, Karen. You have to sign the receipt, I can't do it."

She observed her own reflection jump in surprise at the calling of her name and blushed, embarrassed as if someone had walked in on her and pointed out her curiosity. She took a deep breath and headed out of the bathroom, only to cross Alice a few steps away.

"Who is it?"

"Go downstairs and you will see."

If nobody had actually been waiting in the living-room, she would have made a comment to the teenager about the tone she had just used; the way she hadn't answered properly. It wasn't polite at all and she didn't like it.

She didn't insist though and proceeded to take the stairs, her eyes fixed on her feet in a last attempt to swallow back the tears. There were only two steps left when she finally looked up and came to face Will.

She stopped.

Everything stopped, at least in her head, as her eyes got fixed on a huge and multicolored bouquet. There were probably forty of them _ orange, red, purple, green _ mixed into a sort of plastic rainbow, flowers having been replaced by toothbrushes; just like the one they had bought on the funfair evening.

"Forty-four... They didn't have more but the number is non-exhaustive. Considering we usually get a new toothbrush every four month or so, we have a lot of time ahead before I need to buy a new bouquet of them."

Very slowly she let her hand slide off the banister as she came one step closer. Her heart was beating loud against her chest but not too much. It was all perfect. He tended her the bouquet but she never grabbed it, got lost in his arms instead then burst into tears; her face plunged in his neck.

She couldn't stop, as if the accumulation of the years had suddenly reached a point of no return and it all had broken down into pieces; a sort of rain of tears, of pain asking for coming out before vanishing in the dawn of hopes.

"It is okay, Kare... I am here, now. I am here."

Closing her eyes tightly, she abandoned herself to her tears and the warmth feeling _ a vital one _ of Will's hand caressing her cheek.

It took her long minutes before finding the courage to leave the heat of his neck but even as she did and locked her eyes with his, her hands never went away from his chest. She needed him, more than anything else.

They kissed, taking away heavy regrets.

**To Do List**

**1. Make a real house of this place: done**

**2. Clear things up with Grace: done**

**3. Confide in Will: done**


	16. Of Being Alice

16. Of Being Alice

She felt his foot brush her ankle, then his leg pressing against hers as he passed an arm around her waist and kissed her nape: the heat of his body on her back.

"Kare..."

She loved the sound of his voice in the morning, how it sounded hoarse but sweet. She could have spent hours listening to him talking, rocked by his words and the way his fingers always wandered through her hair.

"Hmm... Not now."

She grabbed her pillow and buried her head under in the hope to find back the path to her dreams. She wasn't a morning person, had never been one. She belonged to the night and the quietness of its hours, the pale light of the moon carrying on a melancholic shade of serenity.

"Are you sure of that? May I remind you that today is the day we officially celebrate the fact I have become your..."

A smile grew on her lips and without any warning, she rolled on her back _ throwing the pillow aside _ before grabbing his neck in excitement.

"My man! My man, my man, my man, my man..."

She captured his laugh in a kiss, a deep and warm one but didn't let it go as he tried to break apart a few seconds later. Slowly enough, her foot began to caress his leg in a very suggestive motion, soon followed by her hand traveling down his back.

She knew that he wouldn't resist. He never did. She felt his fingers pass underneath her negligee and smiled in his mouth before his reaction.

She was about to take his boxers off when the bedroom door flew open, stopping them in their track right away. Jack leaned on the frame, his arms crossed on his chest. Pouting, he rolled his eyes at them and let a loud sigh come out.

"Get up, Will. You told me to come and force you out of bed if you hadn't come back to the kitchen in the next ten minutes. You haven't... So here I am. Now get up and go get ready, damn!"

Incredulous Karen looked at him obey, grab his clothes and head to the bathroom after planting a light kiss on her lips.

"Jack is right, Kare... I have a few errands to run but don't be worried, I will be back on time. Your breakfast is waiting for you downstairs."

The bathroom door got closed, leaving her alone in bed while Jack was wandering around humming a tune. He stopped near a table where nail varnish bottles got lost among some body lotions and other skin products.

"One day you will have to explain me your odd fascination for bouquets of toothbrushes."

Amused and yet perplexed, he passed his fingers over the multicolored, tiny, bouquet-like ensemble put down on a corner of the wooden table.

She didn't reply, though; only got up reluctantly and grabbed his hand to lead him out of the bedroom.

People hadn't arrived yet but the usual quietness of the brownstone seemed to have been replaced by an odd frenzy, the radio playing in the background sounding like the rumors of busy bees. She sat at the table and poured some tea in a mug, lost in far wonders.

"Show me your ring, Karebear..."

After a year and a half of relation, they had decided to get married; for no particular reason. They had awoken on a Thursday morning, headed to work and at their lunch break come to the impulsive decision to settle down their commitment a few hours later at the court house before incredulous but nonetheless happy Grace and Jack.

The announcement had surely taken their respective families aback, pushing them to organize a party that would celebrate their union and a good occasion to invite their close relatives. Will's brothers would come, as well as his parents when she had had to resign herself before the fact her mother would be the only one on her side.

That was life.

"I will be right back!"

In a whirl of precipitation, Will rushed downstairs and closed the door behind him barely having a gaze towards her. She would have lied if she had said that it hadn't hurt, even though it didn't question back their mutual trust. She simply had this constant need to be reassured, to be held by him as a proof this relationship wouldn't end up failing like all the others; the ones that had hurt so much.

…

She stepped out of the bathroom and sat on the bed before plunging into a comparative study of two dresses hung up on the doors of her closet. People had arrived, the murmurs of their conversations making their way up to the last floor of the house. Oddly enough, her heart was beating loud. She was anxious.

Someone knocked on the door, in her back. Absorbed in the contemplation of her clothes, she didn't turn around, only leaned her chin on the palm of her hand thoughtfully.

"I prefer the one on your right. It seems lighter, perfect for the hot temperatures outside."

She jumped at the sound of the voice, turned around and crossed the bed only to get stopped in her tracks by a wave of awkwardness. Did she have to hug her or simply, in a more distant way, smile at her?

Alice was standing there in the door frame obviously amused by Karen's paradoxical reactions.

"What are you doing here?"

She had sent her an invitation but hadn't got any reply, assuming that the teenager could not come over. After all she lived in another city and depended on her parents to come to Manhattan if only for a day. It wasn't an easy task.

"Will came to pick me up at the station. He organized it all..."

"I am so glad to see you here. I have missed you. I mean, we all have missed you."

"What can I say? I didn't want to miss my mother's wedding celebration."

Alice's comment suddenly set off a veil of iciness to spread over the room as Karen's arms fell back down along her hips, stopped in their track to hug the teen. A soft smile played on Alice's lips, almost an apologetic one. She shrugged and locked her eyes with Karen's hazel ones.

"Mom told me when I was nine. It's okay, I... I understand and actually thank you for the decision you made. I still think that it was a wise one. I love my life the way it is now."

All Karen would remember from this day would turn to be Will's soft hand against hers, a genuine lightness embracing their friends and relatives, a very pregnant Grace to Leo's arm.

And Alice, smiling.

**To Do List**

**All done. **


End file.
